hey guys. how is every one today?
i dont know about you, but i feel lighter. not happier, just different i guess.
i've come to realise the me being a sad S.O.B isnt going to fix anything, so i maybe if i just act happy, try to make a friendship again like we had before, then i will be happy. i liked the way it was, so i suppose i should jut aspire to have that. being good friends isnt the same as being with her, but it looks like its as close as im goin to get to her. and i'll live with that, because its better then how it seems to be at this moment in time.
im not sure what to write about anymore, now that im trying to re-define my blogging experience. i guess i can still talk about her, but im trying to cut back. if she is reading this i just want to say im sorry how things turned out. ill always care about you, and if you ever need me ill be here for you, all you have to do is ask. if someone close to her is reading this, it would be nice if you could pass on the message for me, because i dont want to make things more awkward by telling her myself.
so where should i start. ok, today started out pretty crappy, dreams and shit not treating me well. but i guess, just talking to friends and listening to music today helped me to deal with things. i know that theres one friend, who i havnt known for very long, but still shes helped me out as if we'd known each other for many years. thank you.
if your reading this, feel free to say hello.
i guess thats all i can blog for today. im out
D
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
i hate...
...the way i miss her
...how she ended it
...the fact that she ended it
...the reason for her ending it
...that she doesnt seem to make an effort to be friends anymore
...the way shes so keen to hang out with him, and posts it everywhere
...that she never showed any sign she was looking forward to seeing me
...the way i blame myself for all of it
...that we only had one day alone
...that we were only together for a week
...how when ever i was with her, i actually felt good about myself
...the way i feel about who i am now shes gone
...how she thinks i hate him, even though i have no reason to
...the way my pillow smells of her
...the fact that that is my last link to her
...how i think she lied about reading my blog
...waking up from my dreams, because she is still in them and it is when i am happiest
...the way i seem to relate every movie, tv show, and song back to her
...how i bought her things, when i didnt have to, and never recieved even a small hug to show she cared
The things i love...
...my friends
...my family
...my music
...her
...everything she is
...everything about her
...the fact you cared enough to read my blog
...how i am learning to hide my pain so no one will notice
...well i guess thats it i suppose
D
...how she ended it
...the fact that she ended it
...the reason for her ending it
...that she doesnt seem to make an effort to be friends anymore
...the way shes so keen to hang out with him, and posts it everywhere
...that she never showed any sign she was looking forward to seeing me
...the way i blame myself for all of it
...that we only had one day alone
...that we were only together for a week
...how when ever i was with her, i actually felt good about myself
...the way i feel about who i am now shes gone
...how she thinks i hate him, even though i have no reason to
...the way my pillow smells of her
...the fact that that is my last link to her
...how i think she lied about reading my blog
...waking up from my dreams, because she is still in them and it is when i am happiest
...the way i seem to relate every movie, tv show, and song back to her
...how i bought her things, when i didnt have to, and never recieved even a small hug to show she cared
The things i love...
...my friends
...my family
...my music
...her
...everything she is
...everything about her
...the fact you cared enough to read my blog
...how i am learning to hide my pain so no one will notice
...well i guess thats it i suppose
D
Thursday, February 25, 2010
a scent to forget
ive come to realise why i cry at night recently. my pillow smells like her. after on day of watching movies in my room, her sweet aroma has embeded itself into one of my pillows, the one i sleep on infact. fan-fuckin-tastic. just my luck that even in my only escape, sleep, i am reminded of her, and how much i miss her. oh great, now, just as im writing this blog, her faverouite song came on. fuck the verve.
people say it will get easier. but right now i have no evidence. its getting worse. you may see me and think im getting better, but im just getting good at hiding pain. my face is a closed door to how i really feel, no one can see in, and nothing finds its way out. it hurts me to see her happy sometimes. i dont want her to be sad, or to feel guilty, but it would be nice to know that she actually cared. even if i was told by someone else, someone close to her.
today was another shocker. starting with business studies. the class itself isnt all that bad, but im in no mood for school. if i didnt have an assignment due in today, i would have stayed home.
double music today, fuckin bludge and depressing. two hours of listening to my ipod, skipping the songs that remind me of her. there were to many.
im told shes read my blogs, but she denies it. im convinced shes lying to me, i told her there was a picture on here, she looked at it. am i realy supposed to believe she ignored what ive written?
looks like ive done another depressing blog to end another depressing day. maybe something good will happen to me later on tonight, make me feel better. highly doubt that
D
people say it will get easier. but right now i have no evidence. its getting worse. you may see me and think im getting better, but im just getting good at hiding pain. my face is a closed door to how i really feel, no one can see in, and nothing finds its way out. it hurts me to see her happy sometimes. i dont want her to be sad, or to feel guilty, but it would be nice to know that she actually cared. even if i was told by someone else, someone close to her.
today was another shocker. starting with business studies. the class itself isnt all that bad, but im in no mood for school. if i didnt have an assignment due in today, i would have stayed home.
double music today, fuckin bludge and depressing. two hours of listening to my ipod, skipping the songs that remind me of her. there were to many.
im told shes read my blogs, but she denies it. im convinced shes lying to me, i told her there was a picture on here, she looked at it. am i realy supposed to believe she ignored what ive written?
looks like ive done another depressing blog to end another depressing day. maybe something good will happen to me later on tonight, make me feel better. highly doubt that
D
another crappy day. i try to get things off my mind, but its just no use. i want to tell her i miss her company, but if i do it will make me look desperate and needy. i want to be able to look into her eyes again, just stare and get lost in the most beautiful blue eyes ive ever seen. i miss holding her hand, and just being in her presence. i know i sound totally pathetic, and if shes reading this she will just think im an idiot. i know i do. but i cant help feeling like this. its everything about her, even the things she thinks are wrong with her. i can personally say there is nothing wrong with her, she is perfect, too good for me anyway.
i fucked things up by being to stupid to even say hello around one of her close friends. i dont dislike him, it would just have been weird for the first time. im pretty sure he thinks im not the one for her, and i hope thats not what her decision is based on. i see him and wish i was him, just so i could be so close to the one i adore so much.
here i go again, goin on about a girl. but i cant help myself. shes all i think about, so shes prety much all i can blog about. i guess i can say how much i love my friends aswell. i know a few of them have personally helped me out, even though theres shit going on with them aswell. i hate naming people in blogs, but you know who you are.
my hair is straight for the first time ever. i let K give it a go with the straightener, guess i needed a change from myself. some people say it looks good, but i think it looks pretty stupid. i guess it suits me then.
i guess i cant really say much else, without talking about the one that got away. the one that i wish could have worked out, at least for longer then a 7-8 days. dreams dont usually come true though, especially for me. ive concluded the world hates me. or if theres a god, then ive pissed him off something chronic. either way, i have no luck, in love and in life.
this is me, deal with it. if you dont like it, get the fuck out of my blog. if you do like it, or are just interested in what will happen next, keep looking. maybe one day things will start looking up.
D
i fucked things up by being to stupid to even say hello around one of her close friends. i dont dislike him, it would just have been weird for the first time. im pretty sure he thinks im not the one for her, and i hope thats not what her decision is based on. i see him and wish i was him, just so i could be so close to the one i adore so much.
here i go again, goin on about a girl. but i cant help myself. shes all i think about, so shes prety much all i can blog about. i guess i can say how much i love my friends aswell. i know a few of them have personally helped me out, even though theres shit going on with them aswell. i hate naming people in blogs, but you know who you are.
my hair is straight for the first time ever. i let K give it a go with the straightener, guess i needed a change from myself. some people say it looks good, but i think it looks pretty stupid. i guess it suits me then.
i guess i cant really say much else, without talking about the one that got away. the one that i wish could have worked out, at least for longer then a 7-8 days. dreams dont usually come true though, especially for me. ive concluded the world hates me. or if theres a god, then ive pissed him off something chronic. either way, i have no luck, in love and in life.
this is me, deal with it. if you dont like it, get the fuck out of my blog. if you do like it, or are just interested in what will happen next, keep looking. maybe one day things will start looking up.
D
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
chances are if your reading this, your very very bored, or you actually care. who am i kidding, your just bored
my last blog post was rather depressing, and if the person who is outlined in it actually read it, im sorry.
enough about the perfect girl who got away though, you dont want to hear about how much i miss our relationship already, no matter how short it was.
i get bored very easy.
i dont trust people, even when i know i can.
i hate talking about myself.
i havnt always lived in batemans bay, and i cant imagine what my life would be like if i hadnt moved.
i live with regrets, and never think about things before i say them, which has resulted in me being a complete idiot with the person i care about most.
i miss my dad every day when im not with him.
pretty much, although theres things and people in my life i love, overall im not a happy person. i act happy to hide my true feelings, and annoy people to keep myself from breaking down.
music, friends and family keep my sanity in check, and i would go crazy if i lost either one.
the best week of my life has ended in a shit pile, and i hate i cant be the right person for the perfect girl.
if i could go back to any day, it would be 22nd of the 2nd, monday of this week. thats the day i fucked everything up and i wish i could fix it.
i dont blame her for ending it, i blame myself for causing her to feel uncomfortable and awkward.
time can fix almost anything, but if your not prepared to try, you will never know how great it could all be.
we cant have pleassure without pain, and we cant love without having first experienced heart ache.
my life is uneventful now your not in it as much as before.
im not proud of who i am, even though people tell me i should be.
theres things i would love to say, but i know they wont be taken well and will just hurt me and you in the process.
this is my life, or my life as you now know it. there is more to me then meets the eye, and you would be surprised to know who i can really be.
D
oh look, i started a blog
im not blogging because its 'cool', im blogging because i need to get shit off my chest and ive heard this helps
i have no idea how to blog, so dont expect anything great. im dylan, but i guess you know that. what you didnt know is i dont trust people easily, especially with my heart. its who i am, and i am ashamed of being me. i dont care what most people think, but what i think, and what the people closest to me do. i know my life isnt that bad compared to others, but i dont really give a fuck, i am who i am and unless i know you, how can i be all that sympatheitc to your situation?
there are certain people who shouldnt read my blog, and i think you know who you are. if not, then its the people who have hurt me, broken a seemingly important part of me. but thats another story for another time.
like now for example. ive recently come into some good luck, after what seemed ages of rejection, i got the girl i so desperately wanted. i have no idea how, i thought i wasnt even close to good enough. turns out i was right. a week and a half. now im told its to awkward to be with me, after a couple of days of her being weird towards me. one day we've spent alone, and she refuses to give it more time. "i think we're better off as friends" "we were closer when we were friends". bull shit. when we were 'friends', i never got to hold you, or say certain things without them beeing weird. now i cant even say how i feel without you shooting me down. im so depressed i could shit. actually, thats not a bad idea, give me a second.........
ok, where was i? ahh yes, my home life. i live with my mum and her fiance of ohh, lets say about 7 years or so? my dad lives in gosford, and i dont see him nearly as much as i would like. everytime we say goodbye a piece of me dies, and i feel down for days. i last saw him on saturday, and would have been sad about saying goodbye again, but i was looking forward to seeing my girlfriend the next day.
this was a sunday, it went well, or so i thought. im told it was to awkward, but did she tell me this on the day? no, she tells me a few days later, the same dat she says she wants to break up. fuckin great, the only times ive cried in the last 5 or more years and theyre about a fuckin girl, a chick i like, someone who says she likes me, but doesnt want to be with me. great. so now i draw to ease the pain. but not on paper, on myself. right now, my arm, half my chest/stomach, and half of both my legs are covered in blue ink. usually i stop at a little on one leg, but i need the extra room to try and feel better. it didnt work.
i guess i should stop here, maybe have another go tomorrow. all i can say to finish is i am greatful for all my friends, even the ones who may think i dont like them as much as i used to. your all great, and im not sure what i would do without yous.
youve read my blog, and youve gained insight into who i am
D
i have no idea how to blog, so dont expect anything great. im dylan, but i guess you know that. what you didnt know is i dont trust people easily, especially with my heart. its who i am, and i am ashamed of being me. i dont care what most people think, but what i think, and what the people closest to me do. i know my life isnt that bad compared to others, but i dont really give a fuck, i am who i am and unless i know you, how can i be all that sympatheitc to your situation?
there are certain people who shouldnt read my blog, and i think you know who you are. if not, then its the people who have hurt me, broken a seemingly important part of me. but thats another story for another time.
like now for example. ive recently come into some good luck, after what seemed ages of rejection, i got the girl i so desperately wanted. i have no idea how, i thought i wasnt even close to good enough. turns out i was right. a week and a half. now im told its to awkward to be with me, after a couple of days of her being weird towards me. one day we've spent alone, and she refuses to give it more time. "i think we're better off as friends" "we were closer when we were friends". bull shit. when we were 'friends', i never got to hold you, or say certain things without them beeing weird. now i cant even say how i feel without you shooting me down. im so depressed i could shit. actually, thats not a bad idea, give me a second.........
ok, where was i? ahh yes, my home life. i live with my mum and her fiance of ohh, lets say about 7 years or so? my dad lives in gosford, and i dont see him nearly as much as i would like. everytime we say goodbye a piece of me dies, and i feel down for days. i last saw him on saturday, and would have been sad about saying goodbye again, but i was looking forward to seeing my girlfriend the next day.
this was a sunday, it went well, or so i thought. im told it was to awkward, but did she tell me this on the day? no, she tells me a few days later, the same dat she says she wants to break up. fuckin great, the only times ive cried in the last 5 or more years and theyre about a fuckin girl, a chick i like, someone who says she likes me, but doesnt want to be with me. great. so now i draw to ease the pain. but not on paper, on myself. right now, my arm, half my chest/stomach, and half of both my legs are covered in blue ink. usually i stop at a little on one leg, but i need the extra room to try and feel better. it didnt work.
i guess i should stop here, maybe have another go tomorrow. all i can say to finish is i am greatful for all my friends, even the ones who may think i dont like them as much as i used to. your all great, and im not sure what i would do without yous.
youve read my blog, and youve gained insight into who i am
D
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